Life is like a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans  

Posted by feihaley in

"Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday."

Once again, I have found myself some relief by putting all of my thoughtS into words. No, it's not a typographical error. You're reading it just right. It's with the capital S, because I really have a lot going on inside my head right now, and they're fighting to break free, which is currently giving me a headache and making my head feel like its going to explode. *insert exaggeration*

I guess some people of my age have had that feeling when they're unsure where they're life is headed towards. When they feel like they're not in the right track. When they feel like they're missing something in they're life. When they're unsure about theirselves or their abilities. When they feel envious seeing their friends and the people around them make sense of their lives or achieve something to be really proud of. When at one point or another, they ask themselves "Where am I now? Why can't I be like them?" Well, hello mates. Welcome to the club.

Smelling self-pity in the air? Hmm, not so much. Yeah, I know we have different expectations and goals in life, but have you not wondered about these things, one way or another? They say when you reach the age of 40, they call it midlife crisis. And in my case? It's called "quarter life crisis", thanks to Wikipedia. It's when you have those professional, emotional and financial insecurities during your early twenties to late thirties. It might be so, that I'm suffering from that, or this may also be a byproduct of being a bum for a month now, or I'm just being plain stupid and worrying too much. My friends keep telling me that I should not give up, and that it will come when it's meant for me. They always seem to be so sure that I am good at what I do and so I don't have to beat myself up, especially if I know for myself that I have done my best efforts. (By the way, thank you for those true friends who never fail to cheer me up and reassure me in times like these, you know who you are.) Honestly speaking, I'm being positive as much as I can. I keep telling myself these things. That everything will be okay in the end. That I will do something great and be really proud of it. That I will make something of myself in the future, but of course it does not happen without great effort and sacrifices. Just like the title of this post, its a matter of chances and choices. And it so happen that as of the moment, I got an earwax jelly. (Can't think of anything more gross than that jellybean that my stomach can take) So, will it really be okay in the end? No one knows for sure. We hold no more than what we have today. Tomorrow is another story. (I hope a get a blueberry jellybean next time!)

And so with that, I shall end this post with a quote from Barney Stinson of "How I Met Your Mother"

"When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead!"

'Nuff said. :)

Ten Days.  

Posted by RAGDOLL

Creating a blog entry after work: My most effective stress-reliever.

I saw this 10-day challenge online and I wanted to try it. Although since I don't get to create entries as much as how I do before, I decided to do everything in one go instead of doing it day by day. :)

Here it goes:

1. Day ONE: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

a. We're fighting hell of a lot lately but I still can't stop caring for you. You know how we are. You move, I move. It's as if we're inseparable.
b. I am getting seriously attached to you. If you keep on being nice, what do you expect me to do? I will hurt myself by hurting you.
c. Shut your mouth. If your tongue's itching to speak, just take in calls. Essence of working in a call center.
d. I really cared for you as a sister. We never really had the most real friendship but I treasured it. I miss you.
e. Srsly, thank you.
f. I never really lived up to your expectations but I believe I never turned you down as badly as how I imagined I would. I know you're proud of me. I am proud of you, too. I love you.
g. He's using you. Open your eyes, please.
h. You're one of the kindest person I know. Don't change.
j. Learn how to let go. You can love two people at the same time, at different degrees but you can't keep them both at the same time.

2. Day TWO: Nine things about yourself.

a. I suffer from Herpetophobia. The worst thing that you can do to me is to have a lizard near me.
b. I am an eating machine when I want to. When I am not in the mood, though, I can go on without eating for a day.
c. I love animals more than I love people. That's the reason why I chose medical school over veterinary school. I can't handle a dying animal. My hands are going to be all shaky and I might cry more than the owner.
d. I know how to play the guitar. I am a bassist. I'm not good. I just know how to.
e. I laugh a lot. Even when everyone's over a joke, I still laugh my ass off.
f. I am boyish and girl-y in one. I wear cosmetics but I adore sweats, jeans and sneakers.
g. I am moody. Whaaaat? I am a girl. Deal with it.
h. Never argue with me. I won't stop till I win.
i. You can talk about me behind my back. Just don't let me catch you.

3. Day THREE : Eight ways to win your heart.

a. Be the perfect gentleman. I always say that I don't want those mushy stuff but when they happen, they melt my heart. I may not look happy but believe me, I'm just too shy to show it.
b. Talk to me first.
c. Let me make my own decisions but guide me to whatever is right, nonetheless.
d. If I sound too eager over something, don't contradict me.
e. Try to go with my mood swings. I know they're hell to deal with but that's how girls are, anyway. I'd appreciate it when you work on it with me.
f. Never force me to do anything I don't want to.
g. Never curse in front of me and scold me when I curse.
h. Don't let me cry in front of you.

4. Day FOUR: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

a. What will happen tomorrow?
b. Why do pets have to die really early?
c. Food.
d. What shall I do?
e. What went wrong?
f. Where do I go from here?
g. Sleep.

5. Day FIVE: Six things you wish you've never done.

a. Quit school for a semester.
b. Started drinking. Occasional or not, I wish I never learned how to drink.
c. Took Biology. Believe me, unless you really love that field, you wouldn't want to take that as your major.
d. Eat meat. Wish I grew up as a vegetarian.
e. Learn how to curse.
f. Date bad boys.

6. Day SIX : Five people who mean a lot to you.

a. mom
b. brother
c. boyfriend
d. best friend
e. you

7. Day SEVEN : Four turn- offs.

a. Smelly guys. I understand that you sweat a lot more than girls do but hygiene is important.
b. Creating unnecessary noise when eating. Gross.
c. Gossipers.
d. Jerks.

8. Day EIGHT : Three turn- ons.

a. Braces
b. If you have the strong yet pleasant smell of a man's perfume, you can definitely catch my attention.
c. Having the courage to change things that you can.

9. Day NINE: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

a. :))
b. :((
Life's like that always, anyway. Very unpredictable.

10. Day TEN : One confession.

a. I can never be a barbie doll no matter how you dress me up. At the end of the day, no matter how badly you want to change me, I'd still have my own style, my own thinking and my uniqueness. I'd always be a girlyragdoll. Make up on, ragged clothes on.

121 Days of Sunshine  

Posted by feihaley in

To the boy with green and brown eyes:

I could write you a hundred letters telling you how much I love you, how you make me laugh every time, how you hold my hand tight, how you kiss my forehead with such assurance that everything will be alright. But sometimes I have this feeling that even though the world has made a thousand words for me to tell you all these, it will never be enough. Its like how one appreciates a very beautiful sunset that leaves them speechless. They just know for themselves that its beyond words. Beyond human understanding. You might be a little jackass sometimes, but I still love the way you tell me how beautiful I am and how much you love me. You never failed to tell me that. All the time. And no man in my past relationships has ever done that before. That makes you a first. So how can I stay mad at you at times when you're being a jerk? I guess I just can't, not for long.

121 days. Way back when. I feel like it has been ages ago. A lot has happened, really. Everything, a treasure that will always remain in my memory. But now, I feel a little torn. Like my heart is starting to break into pieces. I'm doing my best to fight it, but I just can't because I know I'm dreading something. Not because you did something wrong, but because I know that the days of your stay here is starting to run out. Like an hour glass. Each little piece of grain that I can't stop from falling down. You know I'm happy, but at the same time now I feel sad. And heartbroken. But I want to be strong for us. I want this one to work out, so I made a vow to myself that I will do my very best. I hope its the same for you. There are not a lot of good things and relationships like ours, so I want this thing to last.

I want you to know that I really appreciate how you took care of me for the past 4 months, how you make the days happier. I could never thank you enough, I guess. Maybe I've told you a thousand times that I love you very much. But I want to tell you this again. You are one of the greatest thing that ever happened to me. You really are a Schatz that I hope I can keep for a long time. And.. I love you to the moon and back. =)

I know we can do this. Let's hope for the best. Everything will be alright, in the end.

Of Good and Evil.  

Posted by feihaley in

Ich vermisse dich, meine virtuelle feder.

Hello again. Let me start this by saying I've been busy travelling back and forth from Heaven and Hell and back here again on Earth where asses and bitches can be found. Most likely. So what has life been like since I last laid eyes and lips on you? I say, a lot, man. A LOT.

I checked my last post and I can't believe that it has only been 5 months (or should I say it has ALREADY BEEN 5 months) since I wrote something good, at least. I guess the world just keeps on spinning and living a life of its own, not giving a single piece of shit whether I've actually gotten over our dead dogs (May they rest in peace. We miss you a lot) or if I have actually had my liver checked, if I still have one. Haha. But hey, I'm trying my BEST to stay sober. Goodluck with that. :)) Life here has been great and worse. Literally. Great, being that Love found me (Hell yeah. :D) and Worse, being that the Authorities are living up to their name as Big Fucking Bitch, kicking and grilling everyone's asses. Well, not literally because that would be disgusting.


Ah. What could be more relaxing and consoling than having a German love. Who would have thought that I'd find one? Fate? Call it whatever you want, but I actually don't want to label it because I think labels are fit for fantasies and fairy tales. And I like neither of the two. Correct me if I'm wrong, my dear friends. So let me tell you some things about him. Well, he's just great. He's funny. He can speak English well, for a German. Except for the fact that he always pronounces "W" as "V" i.e, instead of saying "Salwa road", he says "Salva road" Haha. He likes to drink A LOT (but no, he's not a drunkard). He smokes. He likes to skate. He's not so much into computers and internet. He is a country boy. He listens to German punk and heavy metal. He has green and brown eyes, shoulder-length wavy hair that he can now tie into a pony tail. Basically, I have a rock 'n roll Schatzi. And we are very much happy. :)

But tales will not be complete without Dungeons and Dragons.
But Imma SLAY THEM. Haha
So,fuck them Authorities.

I say they have just gotten the worst so far. Tons of intrigues, violations, and all those goddamn lies. But I still have something human on me, so I will not explain further what the above mentioned are. I can't actually believe that I am surviving this kind of situation. You can only imagine, but yeah I guess I've done well at this point in time. I show them a face and work quality that they want to see, they don't meddle with my private life. The goody-two shoes. Damn right. They say if you want to do something bad, you better do it the RIGHT way. Hell yes. Haha.

Anyway, I'm not sure if this one is good enough for an update. I hope so? :)) If not.. Nah. Nevermind. I don't care. So, bis nachher!

Polusyon ng mga Salita.  

Posted by feihaley in

Isa sa mga pinaka kinasusuklaman kong gawain ng mga tao. Tsismisan. Pero hindi pa rin mawala ang pagkamangha ko sa popularidad nito sa karamihan. Pwedeng pwedeng makipagsabayan sa hindi matawarang kasikatan nila Lady Gaga at Manny Pacquiao. At mas lalo pang napapailing ang ulo ko sa talamak na pagsulpot ng kung anu-anong magasin at palabas sa telebisyon na walang alam gawin kundi pukulin ng samu't-saring kwento at paratang ang buhay ng ibang tao. Mga manunulat na kumikita ng daan-daang salapi sa pagwawaldas ng milyong papel para sa mga kwentong walang kapararakan at tsismis na pawang hango sa sarili nilang paghuhusga. Mga host na binabayaran ng limpak-limpak upang humarap sa lokal na telebisyon at pumutak na daig pa ang puwet ng manok sa buong bayan ng mga bagay na walang katuturan. Sa abang bayan na mas pipiliin pa ng karamihan na gumastos sa panunuod ng mga takilya ni Papa John Lloyd at magbasa ng mga balita ukol kay Katrina Halili sa halip na magtayo at suportahan ang mga proyekto na magdudulot ng pag-ahon sa kahirapan ng masa at pagkatuto ng mga batang walang sapat na kayamanan upang makapasok sa isang disenteng paaralan. Sadyang my mga nilalang na naturingang bihis, edukado, at sibilisado, ngunit mangmang sa tamang paggamit ng kanilang mga isip at oras sa mas makahulugang mga bagay. Tila ba my mga tao na hindi mabubuo ang kanilang araw kung hindi nila pag-uusapan ang buhok ni ganito, ang bagong bag ni ganyan, ang promotion ni X, ang nasagasaang tuta ni A. Tila ba nagsisilbi itong tinapay ng kanilang buhay. Ang silipin, pag-usapan, kutyain, at gawan ng kwento ang pribadong buhay, mabuting gawain, maliit na pagkakamali, o kabuktutan ng isang kasamahan, kapitbahay, kakilala, o katrabaho. Kung mayroon lamang batas na nagsasaad ng tsismis bilang isang krimen, sigurado akong higit pa sa kalahati ng populasyon ng buong mundo ay namamalagi ngayon sa likod ng malalamig na rehas ng bilangguan.

Ano ba ang mga benepisyo na makukuha ng isa kung siya ay magtsi-tsismis o makiki-tsimis? Naiintindihan ko ang konsepto ng pagiging "in" sa mga usapan. Maaari siguro itong makatulong sa ILANG pagkakataon KUNG magdudulot ito ng mabuti. Pero sa tala ko ng mga kaganapan ukol sa ganitong usapin, wala pa akong nakitang naging henyo sa pamamagitan ng pagsasabing implanted ang dibdib ng kanyang employer. Pawang kasiraan ng reputasyon at buhay ang nagiging anak ng tsismis. O di kaya naman ay binubuwag nito ang magagandang samahan at pagkakaibigan. Winawasak ang mga ipinagkaloob na tiwala. Ano naman ang iyong mapapala kung malaman mong si B ay may kasintahang dayuhan? O kaya naman ay wig lang ang buhok ng boss mo. O nagpapanggap lamang palang lalake si Piolo. Aangat ba ang iyong estado sa lipunan at bubuti ba ang iyong pamumuhay kung malalaman mong paboritong kulay nga talaga ni Bayani Fernando ang pink? Madadagdagan ba ang iyong talino at husay kung itsi-tsismis mo sa iba na nagpalaglag ang pusa ng kapitbahay mo? Maaari mo ba itong gamitin bilang "free pass" sa pintuan ni San Pedro? Iisa lamang ang kasagutan sa lahat ng iyan. HIndi ka tutulungan sa kahit anong mabuting paraan ng tsismis. Bagkus, dahilan pa ito upang ikaw ay umani ng mga kaaway at ulanin ng batikos. Maliban na lamang kung ang layunin mo ay ang paliitin ang iyong mundo. Plan Gossip: Backfire. Kung ang "noise pollution" ay mayroong pagpapakahulugan na "displeasing human, animal, or machine-created sound that disrupts the activity or balance of human or animal life" puwes ang tsismis ay nararapat lamang bansagan bilang "word pollution" na may pagpapakahulugang "despicable human-created string of repugnant words and statements aimed at wreaking havoc on people's business and lives."

Alam mo na ba ang bagong chika?


"What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth."

~Jewish Proverb

Pugon ng Ulong Naglulugon  

Posted by ArsCariosus in

Nagmistulang balon ang aking utak sa init ng panahon; tuyot sa pangungusap at patuloy ang paglasap sa maligamgam na ala-alang mabilis sinunog ng himagsik ng araw. Sa ilalim, malapit nang matuyo ang nalalabi at kumukulong determinasyon para tapusin ang mga nasimulan bago ito tuluyang lumisan kasabay ng hangin sa himpapawid.

Mabilis ang pagpunit ng mga araw sa aking gunita, at ilang araw na lang ay deadline na ng Palanca na noong Disyembre ko pa napagnilayang salihan. Hilaw pa rin sa karanasang dala ng mga palihan, lumiliyab ang duda sa aking katawan, at ang dalawang kwentong nasimulan ay malayo pa rin sa inaasahang tagpo.

Muli, tinatanong ko ang aking sarili, Bakit ko ba gustong sumali? Pati ang ingleserong Philippine Graphic ay napagdisketahan ko nang bilhin at pagpasahan ng akda. Ganito na ba ako kadesperado? Marami nang nakapagsabing mapulitika ang mga ito. Totoong walang karerang naghihintay para sa isang manunulat dito sa Pilipinas. Teka nga, ano bang pinagkaiba ng maging isang published na manunulat at hindi? Marahil naniniwala pa rin akong hudyat ang Palanca na may nagsisimula nang sabihin ang isang akda. Darating din tayo dyan, wala nga lang katiyakan: gusto ko munang malasahan ang ubas bago ito maagnas.


Posted by ArsCariosus in

(isang tulang nahukay sa baul ng ala-ala, unang isinulat noong Feb. 2009)

Sa paglisan ng tagak kasabay ang paglisan ng halimuyak
na minsang ninais at pinagkait sa pagpikit ng miminsang tadhana.

Minsa'y may nagwika: alam mo kung sino
kilala mo kung sino
at ang muntikang kalabit ng gatilyo sa kwarenta'y singko.

Ang pait ay tumuldok sa himpapawid, at panawid gutom ang pulburang bumura sa kamalayan.

Naglaho na ang pag-asa. Naglaho na ang pananabik. Naglaho na ang magtataho sa tahol ng mga aso.

Tapos na ang mga kahol & ikaw ay kuhol: Isang aninong nakahawla, patingin-tingin at bumabanat
ng mga katagang: paano kaya kung, ano kaya kung ako

Subalit alam mo ang paglayas ng kalayaan:

Malawak ang himpapawid, malalim ang dagat & mabangis ang lupa.


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