Isang Panaginip  

Posted by ArsCariosus in

Isang malaking alupihan ang nagdulot ng iba't-ibang imaheng pinagtagpi-tagpi't pinagpatong-patong at tinahi. Paulit ulit ang mga kataga marahil tulad ng halos isang daang mga paa ng alupihan sa sabay sabay sa pagpadyak o paggapang; sadyang mahirap ipaliwanag kung anong uri nang pagkilos ito, lalo pa't dalawa lamang ang aking mga paa. Dinala ako nito sa pilapil, o pilapil na may pader kaharap ang malawak na katawang tubig na hindi ko mawari- kung hindi ito palaisdan ako'y wala sa pilapil & kung dagat o lawa o ilog o kung anong katawang tubig ito ay hindi ko talaga mawari dahil na rin siguro sa kalawakan at ang itim na lambat na nakapaligid sa buong paligid. Sadyang malawak nga naman ang kalawakan kung kaya't tinawag itong kalawakan.
Sadyang malawak nga naman ang paligid, at ang mga imahe & kung sinu-sino ang sumusulpot sa lawak ng kalawakan ng pook na ito. Sa Pagsulpot na ito, tinatayang isang oras lamang ay masikip na ang lugar na ito dahil sa mabilis na pagsulpot ng kung anu-ano sa malawak na paligid. Tumalikod ako't nagkaroon ng mababang pader kung saan may tatlong lalaking nakaupo. Nagkaroon din ako ng dalawang kasamang hindi ko kilala, subalit hindi ako nagtanong kung sino sila, ang pangyayaring may kasama ako sa kalawakan ng lugar na ito ang tila ba nagpaliwanag na kilala ko sila. Walang tanong na naglakad ako papunta sa dulo ng pader, 'pagkat naiihi na ako. Kasabay nito ang biglaan ding pagtayo ng tatlong mamang nakaupo kung kaya't naisipan kong bumalik kung saan ako nakaupo kanina. Sabay sunod din ng dalawa kong kasama, at kasabay rin noon ang pag-upo ng tatlong kalalakihan kung saan sila nakaupo kanina. Ilang ulit kaming nagpaulit-ulit sa paggawa nito, 'pagkat ilang ulit ding nagpaulit ulit ang tatlong banta.
Nang kalauna'y tinakbo ko ng walang pasintabi ang dalawang natutulog na higanteng kahoy na sumulpot sa lawak ng kalawakan- pintuan ng malaking mansyon kung saan ako'y tinanggap ng walang pakiusap. Tumahimik ang mga kulisap, sa sandaling wala sa aming tatlo ang nagungusap. Tinakbo ko ito na tila walang kasama; isang kaibigang walang pakisama.
Sa geyt ay may naglulundagang mga badjao na bata. Pinasilip ito ng aking nanay at nakitang armado ng baril ang mga batang kulang nalang ay sampayan, mga barong sa tuhod ang laylayan. Umupo ako sa tabi ng kahoy naming pintuan, nakikinig, nakikiramdam nagmamasid. Handa nang umulan ng kotong ang kalangitan. Bumagal ang paligid & ako ay tumagilid: isang senyales ng aking kapatid. Sa aking bahagyang pagtagilid dumungaw ang baril at pumutok ng tatlong beses kung saan ako'y dali daling pumanik sa hagdanan. Inabutan ako ng baril ng aking nanay. Sa liit nito'y inakala kong bente dos. Subalit, bakit nakalabas ang tila mahaba't matulis na bala sa may nguso? Hindi ito panahon para magtanong. Ako'y sumilip mula sa bintana, inasinta ang batang limilinga linga at pagtama sa dibdib ng bala, puting pader ang aking nakita.

way, way back in 2006  

Posted by ArsCariosus in

i stumbled with my old blog and i was really amazed at how dumb i am right now, well as compared before. or i maybe im not just reading and writing enough? i really want my old self back.

i don't want (sept 2006)

I want to have something to write about but it seems that every time I tried thinking of a subject, my mind betrays me in a way that makes me not want to write anymore about anthing or anyone. That stirs up wafts of melancholy billowing in my inner self (who am I anyway?). There are also times when I feel alienated by everything and everyone. Something sucks today is such a lame word to put it. Everything sucks is more apt. I feel like a robot, driven by an abstract force that looks through the eyes and hides in solitude inside this complex composition of organs, flesh, circuits of nerves intertwined, blood that is composed of blood cells pumped in the center of the nervous system. I want to see myself. Not the sheer image that forms in the face of the mirror everytime I gaze at it absent-mindedly, examining every feature of my countenance. Isn't the eyes mirrors our soul? I don't know. I am confused and abused by these facts, by these imformations, by these propagandas, conspiracies and whatever you call them that proclaims that everthing has a counterpart, has an opposite, everything is relative, and all relative things that makes things different and dual. I have even thought about a different world that is opposite to what we know, and yet it makes no sense. When will humanity end? How did we know that the sun will stay billion of years ago? Questions that are not answered echoes inside the bottomless pit of curiosity. I am just waiting for science and technology to stab our backs. Technology is advancing. Technology will leave us falling and will be gone without a trace, just like what happened to Laika, the spacedog.

non-sense #5 (July 2006)

Babbling is not enough. It's hard to speak when no one is listening. Too much silence can make your eyes pop out in a barbaric trance. Learn Latin and you might burn the English dictionary while in an uncontrollable demonic laughter. Misunderstanding is key. Inebriate yourself with words and be obnoxious. Explicit is the framework of the human aesthetics. Pleasure defines beauty. Pornography is really interesting. Art is the slave and desire is the overlord. Books and paintings, canvas and paper makes no sense. The language of the flesh is the world's lingua franca.

non-sense #1 (July 2006)

The fire inside me is sure as hot as the tongues of flame in hell itself. Insecurity has found its new breeding ground. Ennui is nowhere to be found; a thousand Mazda3s drifting inside my brain. Betrayal is the ally and rejection is the crime. The sweet aroma of coffee wafts inside the sepulchral veil, unaware of its bitterness. The brain and heart in a muddy and brutal catfight: the heart lost in cerebral tissues, trapped between the two hemispheres. It continually pulsates, about to self-destruct. The moon sniggered whle the night clouds covered her: as it goes on, with the confused pen as the referee. Pessimism hovers succinctly over the purple sky.

Farewell to y dear malate!!  

Posted by Carlock Rascal in

only 4 days left, and it's  graduation day. I am so nervous! finally after four long long years of studying in this institution i will be graduating. but here is the sad part, i will really miss malate so much! even sometimes i hated that school. whoah!! they are right, highschool is the best part of every students life because there is the humble beginnings, the teasing part, the fighting, the girls, boys, the terror teachers and even the "kilig factor". now i know that highschool life is the best! but wherever i go, I will honor and love my dear malate catholic school and i will be still true to my faith!


Posted by Carlock Rascal in

Have nothing to do, sitting in a plastic chair, looking outside the window next to my sister’s laptop. Thinking about the past, the past that is haunting me until now. I can’t stand to think the ghost of my past and ashamed to admit that I am a failure. I have ruined everything. I lost all of my hopes and dreams, I lost it in the battle of patience. I lost everything, the love, the happiness, and even my courage to stand for what is right. Then the past will come again and haunt me, until I realize that I am wrong. Oh ghost of my past, just put me in an iron coffin along with my lost dreams and hopes and bury me under the ocean so that no one will see what kind of a failure I am.


Posted by feihaley in

This entry is not for those who are very conventional and opinionated.

and so you have been warned.


There really are some people with mediocre understanding.

No. I'm not against these folks. It's just that sometimes, they become a cause of nuisance for me. Especially when they question WHY i DO, what i DO. Actions that are most likely "abnormal" for them, but completely "normal" for me.

Well, i guess it's culture collision. People of the same country, but with different lines of thinking, lifestyle and upbringing. We are individuals, after all.

I'm writing this blog entry because while i was looking for some books in the internet last night, i suddenly remembered an encounter that i had with a group of people of which i won't mention.

I was using the computer and searching for an eBook of Stephen King's "The Shining" when i stumbled upon a book of Friedrich Nietzsche named "The Antichrist". Because i haven't read the book, i became curious and tried to read the overview. Then one person from this group of people suddenly looked into what i was doing and saw what i was reading.

I already anticipated the reaction so i wasn't surprised at all that i will get this "OMG-are-you-insane?!-Are-you-an-antichrist-or-something??" look. And then this person said, "Anu ba yang mga pinagbababasa mo fei! Nakakatakot naman yan,tingnan mo sa susunod kukwestiyunin mo na din ang relihiyon." Then all the others said, "Oo nga fei, anu ka ba naman, ikaw talaga!!"

I replied with just a smile, like this. :) Which i think, made them even more freaked out by me.

But in my mind i was saying "What the hell was that about??"

So,if ever i have read, or was reading that overview, is there something wrong with that? I believe that every human being in this planet was given the gift of curiosity. Are they afraid that i'll suddenly attack them with a knife? Or shoot them point blank with a gun? Or maybe launch an Anti-Christ army just because i have acquired some new understandings? An understanding that is completely outlandish to them. Well i'm guessing that because they have long been established their beliefs and norms about their religion, anything out of the ordinary for them is blasphemous and should be criticized for its profanity. Or they think it's something that SHOULDN'T be questioned.

I'm not saying that i AM an antichrist, or whatnot. I just don't think it's a crime to look into the perspective of other people about religion and God. After all, Man was given the gift of knowledge and free will, i'm just exercising mine to the fullest extent possible. It's still my choice what to believe in anyway.

bad times  

Posted by feihaley in

You got that right. i'm very much SULKY right now. >_<

I don't understand why some people are SOOOOO f***ingly exasperating. They don't know what "shut the hell up" means. I wish they'd just get lost.

i really HATE those who talk non-sense and then brag about being charming/handsome/beautiful? and irresistible??? Oh gawd. For your own sake,please get a more decent life. Trust me,you'll thank me afterwards.

SHAME on those people who make "promises" only to fall short of their undertakings in the end. NEVER make such accords if you know you can't keep your word. now i really believe that promises are MADE TO BE BROKEN.

Please don't let me down. I HATE BEING DISAPPOINTED. It's very irritating.

Why am i always the bully's "apple-of-the-eye"?? Is it because i'm too kind to put up a fight? or am i too passive? yeah,i know the difference between a joke and below-the-belt punch lines. But c'mon people,i have EMOTIONS. I'm not a freaking stone! If you were in my place i'm pretty sure you wouldn't want to feel HOW i feel when i'm bullied. Everything has LIMITATIONS, so know when and where to draw the LINE.

Why is it that when i go somewhere,my attention is ALWAYS being called upon? Hello? If i'm not mistaken,i'm of LEGAL age now. And i don't beg for money just so i could get out of the house. I'm not a 5-year-old kid that needs to be ushered. I can absolutely distinguish right from wrong, and i'm not OUT to do ridiculous,thoughtless acts. So for God's sake learn to TRUST me even a bit. Because i'm starting to get weary of such conversations. And i'm slowly beginning to feel that this house is nothing but a big bird cage.

Tsk. What a life.

minor set backs  

Posted by feihaley in

I'll start this blog by saying, "Nawawalan na ko ng gana."

I don't know if it's just me or everyone and everything around me but i feel like i'm more on the downgrade now.

One of the reasons why i feel like a retard (again) is that i don't find anything that stirs up my interest, something that boosts my energy and motivation. It's like things are just slowly fading away with the background, mundane experiences amassed in mounds and mounds of similar instances labeled as "prosaic". Some, for later recall and some, bound to be left behind,never to be dwelled upon again. This situation, i dread because i know that i won't be exerting much effort in what i do, things will be nothing more than a second rate, and i don't see anything to look forward to. talk about being a pessimist. haha.

If you're thinking its just about work, well you are granted with the benefit of the doubt. its about everything. Pathethic isn't it? Oh well.

I'm glad i can find refuge in reading and blogging. After all, i deserve to have a stress-free time. Hahaha.


Posted by ArsCariosus in

Papunta ako sa bilihan noon upang bumili ng maiinom at ng usok. Sa aking pagdaan, napansin kong bukas ang ilaw at sa pamamagitan ng bahagyang paglapit, naroon nga sila. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero may maliit na salu-salong nagaganap ng lingid sa aming kaalaman.

Sa loob naaroon ang apat na kataong nababalot sa makapal na usok, nakapalibot sa isang bote ng inumin, kung saan nagaganap ang ritwal- maririnig ang kaguluhan at kalituhang kaakibat ng mga tinig subalit dayuhang lenggwahe ang sinasalita. Imposible itong maintindihan.

Nang minsang ako'y nagtangkang makihalubilo, binuksan ang pintuan at sa isang saglit ay nagsalita sila ng wikang aking sinasalita. Ako'y nagulat at nalito! Hindi ko alam na ito ay posible. Sa saglit na iyon ay naunawan ko ang kanilang layunin at nangamusta. Inalok akong pumasok sa loob subalit isang sulyap sa aking likuran ay nagpaalalang mayroon din sa likod kung kaya't minabuti kong magpaalam at sa sandaling ako'y umikot, bago pa man sumara ang pintuan, bumalik sila sa dila ng wikang dayuhan sa akin. '


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