Hands open. Eyes open.  

Posted by feihaley in

I am once more reunited with my virtual pen. Bonjour.

I did not have plans of writing something tonight, but I read a friend's tagged note from some social networking site, and it somehow ignited a little spark in a part of my mind that said, "Hey, why not share something? You have a lot to say, maybe just a few lines would not be so bad."

I admit I am not much of a good writer, or a story teller. But at least I try to keep my thoughts organized. Or whatever they call that. I guess for the reason that I do not generally share whatever things are running on my mind. And I am, at times, lazy to speak up, or type anything. Quite a bad habit, if you ask me. Whatever occurrences took place in an ordinary day that I had, they are all stored in my memory bank, to be recalled in another time. And I prefer more listening to what people have to say and interpreting those. So the thought of typing things that are inside my head right now and the past few days, weeks and months somehow gave me a bit of an adrenaline rush. It has been a while since I posted something, well, good. If I ever posted something good. :)

This is quite some deviation of what I frequently do every week. Most of the time, the phrases and words that I input are Motivation, Study Notes, Generalization, Homework, and the list goes on. All work-related, in short. So what has been going on for the past 7 months that I have stayed here? A lot, I would say. Well, more of a lot from the people around me. I have this habit of recalling people's previous habits, actions, and behavior from the first day that I shared worlds with them. For what purposes, you might ask. I am most sure it is not for gossip. I hate people blabbing lies and fabricated stories and things that would defamate an innocent person. My reason then? I just find it very amusing and interesting to assess people, observe how one individual can change in just a short span of time, under different situations and circumstances. Human beings and all they were, and will ever be are, after all, the most interesting subject in this universe. Don't you think?

As they embark on a quest of finding all kinds of benefits that one can ever lay their hands on and quenching their wants and needs by all means, here I am trying to find my own path towards something. Enlightenment? I guess so. Fulfillment? Can be. Identity? Definitely. I am like a lost goat on a herd of sheep. It is quite frustrating to be in a place where you know people have the same visage. If you know what I mean. It is not about the feeling of what people perceive about me or my actions.Whether I am different, or whatnot. I do not really care about those. After all, everyone is entitled to have their own opinion. It is the fact of being in the middle. Of not knowing everything and knowing a little bit of something. It is that borderline that defines one from being mediocre and different, or extraordinary. Its not that I hate mediocrity. But I sure do not want to be mediocre, or anything like that. I just think that being mediocre will not gain me my distinction from other people. I will just be like "them". Eating the same food, drinking the same water, breathing the same air, reading the same books, watching the same shows, doing the same thing. All the same. It will not make me grow as an individual. It will not give me personal gratification. The least that I want to happen is to be like everybody else. Without clear distinction. No, I am not alienating myself, or putting myself up on a pedestal. I just want to be me. I just want to be Fei. And I believe I am slowly drawing the line. Speaking up like this, is one. :)


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